♥Living Life day by day♥

2011-07-07

Well the weight was lifted off my shoulders but it seems to come back and back and back like it never truly go’s ALL the way away, there’s always a little left…I was SO happy “we” were so happy and then i really have no fucking clue where it went wrong, like i try and think back and figure it out but i just cant i mean there’s a few things but thats in every relationship, Wut made us turn into “this” i mean really wut did i do…Yea i was kinda controlling didn’t want him to go to friends house alot wanted him all to myself i was jealous of other girls(just like 99.9% of women are) and i bitched at u…But OVER 3 and a half years of sharing my heart and soul W/ u and this is what i get? All the good times we had all the shit WE went through and came out all the BULLSHIT people in Holt used to talk and were still together almost 4 years! later and started as young teenage love we “grew” with each other learned shit with each other HOW HOW!!!! can u loose love for someone like that? how can u say u love me ask me to spend the rest of my life with u tell me you want to start a family and then ditch me flat out overnight and over yahoo dump me: ) HAhahahha! it blows my mind…When a women cry’s for herself cry’s cuz she knows shes turning into something she doesn’t wanna be cry’s because she knows she doesn’t deserve this but u take it anyways i let myself be knowingly cheated on,lied to,and treated like shit promises broken every time i turned around and STAYED HELL i fucking BEGGED him to stay begged that asshole not to leave me! r u kidding(i just asked myself if i was kidding LOL) and again n again the same thing he told me a girl who was an old friend who he hadn’t talked to in years she hadn’t tryed to contact him never made a effort to be friendly, was more important to him then me, That crushed my heart right there in his front yard on the sidewalk in Delhi manor My heart was broken for the 10th time…IDk wut i did to deserve this but the bigger question is what did i do to not have the power to leave and say im better then this, I cant let go i wont let go he could bury me alive and if i made it out i would be home asking wut he wanted for dinner? its really that bad, Love is blind,Love is confused,but mostly Love is stubborn cuz it makes human nature go out the window and it makes something else take over idk when or if i will ever be happy and i dont know if it will be with him but i just hope and pry that one day(i hope soon) lol that im happy and with someone who loves me at LEAST as much as i love them thats not a hard thing to ask at least it shouldn’t be…i would ask god but im putting myself through this god gave me free will and this is what im doing with it? DAMN im stupid but God also made love…Why did he have to make it like this? : ) the mind blower i am totally in love with this man,really love him more then i love myself how can that be? well i really dont know when i get the answer ill get back to ya: ) Hahahaha…..

2011-07-01

Why’d i do that? Stupid Girl!!!

Ok so i did something really REALLY bad: ( I feel really upset about it but at the same time it got me the ONE and only thing i wanted (my BF back) so idk wut i should do…I made him think that i was hurt and some other shit and he thinks it really happened idk WHY i did it? Im an idiot thats why i am SO!!! freaking caught up in this thing we think is “Love” that i turn into someone else completely i change and will do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING! to keep him…It turned me into someone i dont wanna be and i feel like I have NO control over my own mind and life? Its not fun its not good and its KILLING me inside to know i turned into that kinda person who would do that…but when u have been through something like i have(everyone go’s through different shit and some are worse then other’s) This is one of those “Others” its BAD and when i say bad i mean Being hit by a car then a truck then struck by lighting then drowned bad: ( like really i have severe panic attacks or nervous breakdowns or w/e and they hurt…I NOW KNOW what a broken heart feels like truly deeply down in the pit of my stomach aching heartbreak: ( -GOD please let me feel some relief,Let your guidance come in and guide me in the right direction,Carry me to the right path and let me down with soft hands and keep me there for i need you now as i needed u ever-♥ If i can make it through this i can make it through anything….I WISH god had enough time to talk to me and let me know but maybe he is just saying i need to do this on my own,he will help when he needs to: ) I feel better for writing this…: ) I just want my BF my fiance idc if we have to go through shit (as long as its not wut we been goin through) as long as im with him forever as long as we can…I cant keep doing this it WILL kill me if not me then my heart and whats a woman without her heart?………….. A.M.S

2011-05-21

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2011-05-13

Hahahahha: )

DAN: 10:34pm
why the fuck did u say karma
cuz nigga its karma
thats some crucial shit
AMANDA: everyone who deserves wuts comin to um
is gonna get KARMA
damn
DAN: like who
AMANDA: like ur mom
DAN: ur mom nigga
wtf

2011-05-12

: (

My cats gone….And its not “Just a cat” its my baby and wut if something happened to him…I looked and nothing? I want him back and im getting worse everyday he dont come back: ( This sucks balls this always happens to me FML…..